In case you don’t find what you’re looking for

Pictures in my pocket
Are faded from the washer
I can barely just make out your face
Food you saved for later
In my refrigerator
It’s been too long since later never came

I know
One day eventually
Yeah, I know
One day I’ll have to let it all go
But I keep it just in case
Yeah, I keep it just in case

In case
You don’t find what you’re looking for
In case
You’re missing what you had before
In case
You change your mind, I’ll be waiting here
In case
You just want to come home

Strong enough to leave you
But weak enough to need you
Cared enough to let you walk away
I took that dirty jacket
From the trash right where you left it
‘Cause I couldn’t stand to see it go to waste

I know
One day eventually
Yeah, I know
One day I’ll have to let it all go
But I keep it just in case
Yeah, I keep it just in case

In case
You don’t find what you’re looking for
In case
You’re missing what you had before
In case
You change your mind, I’ll be waiting here
In case
You just want to come home
In case

You’re looking in that mirror one day
And miss my arms
How they wrapped around your waist
I say that you can love me again
Even if it isn’t the case

Ohhh
You don’t find what you’re looking for
Ohhh
You’re missing my love
You don’t find what you’re looking for
In case
You’re missing what you had before
In case
You change your mind, I’ll be waiting here
In case
You just want to come home
In case
Yeah, ooooo

Degrading myself…

So here’s the thing… We are friends. She acts like she cares about me and I know part of her does. But she is not healthy. It’s been two days since we started speaking again it already she has the upper hand. Before I took my test yesterday I asked her to tell me she loved me. I needed to hear it. And she said it… But what kind of person has to ask to be told that they’re loved? I deserve more than that.

And we talked some after my test. It did make me feel better. When we said good night I told her that I loved her. She did not say it back. That’s always kind of been her thing. She withholds her love until I’m begging. It controls me. But I am bigger than that. If she doesn’t love me she doesn’t love me. I am not degrading myself any longer. I set myself up to feel rejected when I do.

I left her a message last night telling her how hard it has been not speaking. I don’t know why I told her that. She popped back with a comment about how it must have been peaceful and I could do whatever I wanted. She said she couldn’t believe that we went that long without speaking she never thought it would be that way. Instead of just agreeing I felt the need to defend and let her know how miserable I was without her. WHY DID I DO THAT?!?!? I’ll she does is talk about how fine she is. She wants me to say I’m miserable. She sets it up and I step in it every time.

It is time for me to grow up. Stop being weak. I

Change

I can’t change her. I can’t change what she thinks or feels about me. I have to let go of the idea that I can. It’s over. She’s not in love with me. I can change my reaction to that. I can let her go. Let her move on. Maybe then she can find happiness. I think knowing she is happy will help me to change the way I have felt about this whole thing.

That awkward moment….

I just died. I had to share!! Happy Friday everyone!!!

Don’t fuck it up…

I’m taking the CPCE today. I am super stressed. My brain is fried. I don’t feel good about it. A friend sent me these…made me laugh.

Friends

So we talked today. And fought. And talked. I sucked it up because after missing class this morning, I realized that I’m not ok without her. Even if she doesn’t love me. Even if she’s moving on. I need her to be my friend. I can’t blame her that I’m not functioning. I wrapped myself up in her. She didn’t make me do that.

And she was even kind to me today. I needed that. She was a bitch too…but I gave it back this time. This was one of the last messages she sent…

Timehop

My timehop app is killing me. Seeing the way she was with me. How she made me feel. Knowing how she makes me feel now. I would do it all again. It was worth every heart ache.

What I would give to go back to that time. To feel that way again. To be the center of someone’s world and for them to be the center of theirs. To feel connected and accepted. I miss her. Isis knowing what she’s doing. How she feels. What tv show she’s watching.

All these things…

Can’t sleep
Insomnia
All the things she said
Play over in my head
If I could just say the right thing
Know what to do
To bring it all back
Where did the love go
The tenderness
Where did she go
Why can’t she love me
I’m flawed
But I’m not trash
Please
Just give me the words
To make us ok

I can’t get this through my head…

When am I going to realize…if she wanted me…she would be here. I am tired of trying to sell myself as lovable. Someone has to find value in me. I deserve that.

Social exchange theory…relationships endure when rewards are greater than the costs…so I am no longer worth it…that’s why she’s gone.

The message…

She called me. I wanted so much to answer but I knew it was better if I didn’t. I would cry and that’s what she wants. So she left me a message. I wanted to hear her voice. God I just wanted to hear her so bad. I waited until I was alone and plugged it on the speaker in my car.

She called me. Only to tell me she is fine and has gotten on with her life. She’s the victim…again. She said I just called this morning to fuck with her head. I just wanted to know if she was ok. I wanted to hear her voice. She reminded me how I said I didn’t want to be friends. No apology about why she did what she did to me. Why would I want to be friends with her? She hurt me. She told me to move on because she has. “Get on with your fucking life because I’ve gotten on with mine…”

I’m just sitting in my car crying. I shouldn’t have called. I shouldn’t have expected anything other than what I got. Deep down I knew she wasn’t calling to apologize or make things right. She wanted me to tell her how miserable I was earlier and I didn’t so she’s lashing out.

What if I did tell her I love her and I want us? Is she going to rub in my face why we can’t be together?!? Chew me up and spit me out again?!? What good does it do for me to be broken when she is fine. The fact that she picked up and discarded me so quickly is evidence she wasn’t serious when she asked me to leave. How do you ask someone to leave their family for you and a few days later…you moved on?!?

This state I’m in. It’s not healthy. The rejection. The fact I meant so little that she just moved right ahead. That she doesn’t miss me. I can’t cope with it anymore. How am I going to go to class tomorrow? I can’t even function right now.

And the sad thing is..I’m still listening to the message. Even though it’s bitter and everything I didn’t want to hear her say…it’s her. And her voice brings me comfort.