So confused

She reels me in
And throws me out again
Not wanting me
Not wanting me to be free
It’s like the ocean
I feel myself floating
Up and down
Up and down
Lulled to a place
Where I am not broken
Returning
I want to believe
It means something
It never does

Empty…

Sometimes I feel really empty. There’s no joy anymore. No good. Everything just is and I am just here.

Confused….

She asked to see me today. For sex. I don’t know how to feel about that. God I want to. I want her so bad. But I have begged to see her for months and she wouldn’t see me. Now suddenly she wants it? And we aren’t together…so what does that mean. Like we have never “just fucked”…it’s always been gentle and sweet and made me feel so connected to her. There is no other feeling in the world like being with her. But she doesn’t want us to be together. So I told her no. I was proud of myself. But sad at the same time.

God I want her. But I want it all. Skin to skin. I want to taste her. I want to take my time. I want to feel it. I want it to mean something.

Get it through your head…

I am valuable. I deserve to be loved. Respected. Valued. I don’t want to chase anyone and I don’t want them to chase me. I just want to be in a relationship. Connected. Equal.

Alone…

I thought I needed her. I thought we could be friends. But I still feel this need to fix everything. To make her feel loved and special and prove myself. There is nothing to prove. She is over it. She reminds me of that all the time. So why does she keep me around? Because I pet her ego. She knows I want her. It’s not a fair game. She wants me to be the way I was and I can’t. I get nothing in return.

I’m still with my husband. But it’s an empty feeling. We don’t talk unless it has to do with the kids. There is no touching. I’m ok with that. I’m not in love with him. But it just adds fuel to the flame. I could be with her. I could be happy. But I’m stuck. Imprisoned. At least before I had a bright spot. Something to look forward to. Now I’m just alone.

Are you FUCKING kidding me?

This is what I wake up to this morning. She’s pissed bc I didn’t do anything about our anniversary. I was sweet to her yesterday. I just never said Happy Anniversary to her. I said I love you. She never said I love you back. She turned down my offer to meet her. Yet I am the mean one?!? She just said I was dead to her. Ummmm ok.

I let her say things like this to me before and I would cry and beg her to talk to me but I’m not doing that anymore. I don’t deserve to be treated this way. And I am SICK of being told how I feel. I was ready to walk away from my kids to be with her. She rejected me.

HER feelings are hurt…

WTF?!? Really?!? HER feelings are hurt. I didn’t do anything for our anniversary. We aren’t together. She made that CLEAR. And when we had an anniversary a few months ago she very harshly informed me that we don’t have anniversaries because those days don’t mean anything. We are both with someone else so “we don’t have special days” anymore.

I did ask to see her today. I told her I just needed some quiet. We could be together and not speak. I didn’t mention the anniversary but deep down I just wanted to be with her today. She told me no…so I dropped it. Later she asked me if I knew what today was and I told her I did. I told her I loved her. She didn’t say it back.

Yet…HER feelings are hurt. WOW.

Anniversary…

Today is one of those days. It’s the anniversary of our first “I love you”….I remember saying it. I was giddy. That feeling. Amazing. To want someone so completely. To love and be loved. I miss that feeling.

She told me anniversaries don’t matter since we aren’t together. Haven’t been together. They matter to me.

It’s awkward

It’s awkward talking to her. Everything feels forced. Fake. Neither of us are trying to seem hurt but at the same time we don’t want to seem like we don’t care. I hate it. Everything with her has always been so different. I could always be myself. Give her the parts that no one else sees. Now I feel like I have to hide. I sent her the Demi Lovato song I posted a few days ago. I probably shouldn’t have. I just wanted her to know that I am here. In case…

Amen

I’m so hypomanic right now. I like this feeling. I get so much done. It’s better than the depression.