You are not a tree…

Leaving things behind is hard. It takes courage to make change. I am always inspired by people who do something different because they are no longer happy where they are. It can be your home, neighborhood, city, job, relationship, friend, sister, finances…but when you are no longer happy…it’s time to make like a tree and LEAVE!!!!!
We often see people who struggle with sadness & wonder Why don’t they do anything?  However, we fail to recognize the same stagnation in our own lives. I have been guilty of this. Not having goals or not recognizing my worth or potential. 
Whether it is a job, a relationship, a city, faith, or just a life that is unfulfilling or holding you back… The moment you realize your own self worth, YOUR VALUE, you will gain so much power over your own happiness. It’s a priceless feeling. Having control. It’s full of infinite possibility. HOPE!!!
When you live the life that is worthy of you, there is joy and fulfillment. You don’t have to wonder “what if?” Surround yourself with the people who see the value in you. Who share your goals. Who want you to succeed & will help you be happy. You will radiate!!!!
Don’t feel loyal to that boss who never gives you the promotion. Or the boyfriend who never makes time for you. Don’t settle for the friend who can only make plans with you when they have nothing better to do. Or the city with no opportunity. 
LEAVE and DON’T LOOK BACK!!!!  You are not to blame for the misery in others. You are to blame if you stay in that misery and soak it up with them!!! Things are not going to get better. Things are not going to change. STOP holding on to that. STOP believing that lie. CHANGE YOURSELF. YOUR LIFE. YOUR ENVIRONMENT.  Whatever it is that is toxic in your life!! 
Stop looking for reasons or excuses, because you will always find them. It is not too far away. You won’t always be alone. You will make new friends. Nothing is ever as scary as we make it!!! Yes, other people have worse jobs, worse relationships, worse situations. But you don’t have to be one of those people!!!
Laugh again. Remember what makes you laugh. Surround yourself with positivity. Motivation. Love. Stop settling. If it makes you sad, hurt, weak, or resentful…let it GO!!!! Breathe in the fresh air and FIND HAPPINESS!!!
You are WORTH IT!!!!!

  

I’m a feminist…and a princess…

  

This picture has sparked some controversy on the Internet. It was shared with the caption “Do you know what’s wrong with this picture?”  

The answer is that the woman is walking on the outside. Equal rights feminists have taken issue with this. Why is it assumed that the woman can’t take care of herself? Why is it not her job to take care of him?  

My view on the matter is this. I am a woman. A damn strong one.  An overcomer. I have busted my ass to get where I am and should be paid just  as much as Joe Blow. I am MORE than capable of walking down the street alone and protecting myself and all the other things female power!!!!

BUT….I deserve to be taken care of. I deserve to be protected and treasured. I want the person I’m with to love me enough to walk on the outside because they want to keep me safe. That doesn’t make me weak or helpless. It makes me loved.  It makes me someone’s princess. 

The train wreck

There’s history between our eyes 

A train wreck that we both survived

A rolling stone and a crazy storm

Love like that doesn’t go away

Distance builds walls & bridges

You had me all and I was yours 

I’ll take down the walls and let you in

Just don’t break me again

Where I have been…

Sooo…she called me. And we worked things out. Decided that we needed one another after all. And I have spent the last three months back on the roller coaster. Make up and break up and make up again.  Today was supposed to be a special day. We were getting a room. We were going to make love. And then all hell broke loose. 

Looking back I can’t say that I didn’t know it was coming. I know why she keeps her Facebook so secretive. I know why she doesn’t talk about her home life anymore. She has someone. We are having an affair. So I pretend I don’t know just to have her in my life. 

And it’s not all her fault.  Hell I don’t guess it’s anyone’s fault. It is what it is. She kicks me and I kick back.  I just can’t do it anymore. When my mom died, something changed. I am on my own. So I don’t have time for bullshit or nonsense. And I refuse to let her say the things she says to me. I deserve more. 

So…here I am. 

Where I have been…

Sooo…she called me. And we worked things out. Decided that we needed one another after all. And I have spent the last three months back on the roller coaster. Make up and break up and make up again.  Today was supposed to be a special day. We were getting a room. We were going to make love. And then all hell broke loose. 

Looking back I can’t say that I didn’t know it was coming. I know why she keeps her Facebook so secretive. I know why she doesn’t talk about her home life anymore. She has someone. We are having an affair. So I pretend I don’t know just to have her in my life. 

And it’s not all her fault.  Hell I don’t guess it’s anyone’s fault. It is what it is. She kicks me and I kick back.  I just can’t do it anymore. When my mom died, something changed. I am on my own. So I don’t have time for bullshit or nonsense. And I refuse to let her say the things she says to me. I deserve more. 

So…here I am. 

Where I have been…

Sooo…she called me. And we worked things out. Decided that we needed one another after all. And I have spent the last three months back on the roller coaster. Make up and break up and make up again.  Today was supposed to be a special day. We were getting a room. We were going to make love. And then all hell broke loose. 

Looking back I can’t say that I didn’t know it was coming. I know why she keeps her Facebook so secretive. I know why she doesn’t talk about her home life anymore. She has someone. We are having an affair. So I pretend I don’t know just to have her in my life. 

And it’s not all her fault.  Hell I don’t guess it’s anyone’s fault. It is what it is. She kicks me and I kick back.  I just can’t do it anymore. When my mom died, something changed. I am on my own. So I don’t have time for bullshit or nonsense. And I refuse to let her say the things she says to me. I deserve more. 

So…here I am. 

It fucking hurts…

My mom is dead. And my girlfriend left me. And the world is still spinning. I’ve been in shock. I don’t remember most of the last month. But she calls me and pretends that she wants to know how I am but then acts offended and says things like “I told you that you would be fine without me” and “Did you ever really love me at all?”

Ok SHE left ME….SHE said she didn’t want ME. She abandoned me…once again during the worst time of my life. And she has the AUDACITY to ask if I EVER LOVED HER?!?

I’m barely functioning. I can put one foot in front of the other and stay busy and sometimes remember to bathe and she wants to know why I’m not calling (like I always do) and begging her to love me. FUCK THAT. I am done begging to be loved.

I matter. I have value. Anyone who doesn’t want to be in my life is welcome to get out. I can’t worry about that shit anymore. And the more I think about it, the more I see how stupid I was.

When we were first dating, something happened at a bar and she wanted her wife. Not me. Her wife. She has told me she wanted her and not me more than once. I left my family & she told me that she would never leave her wife so I needed to go back home. Of course now her story is that all of that was my fault. When her wife was stalking me…AND MY KIDS…she took up for her. She didn’t tell her to stop. She got mad at me and said we deserved what we got for cheating. She told me her wife was her best friend. That they had amazing sex. She told me that her wife had the emotional part of her. That’s she trusted her. That she takes good care of herself….and God do I wish I had a dollar for every time she has said “she’s a beautiful woman”…all of her facebook pictures are of the two of them.

And yet according to her I am the one in love with my husband and I am the one who broke her because I would never leave. Every time I said I would, then she “didn’t want to do that toy kids” or “she knew I wasn’t serious”….she’s the one who was never serious. I see that now. My mom taught me that if it feels like shit, then it is shit. I thought she was all I deserved and I settled for being talked to like I’m nothing. I let her make me feel like I was lucky she was still speaking to me. What was I thinking?

I’m a smart girl. A little heavy lately, but I’m pretty. And funny. No more tears. I’m done. I went out of my way to be civil to her today because we work together and she said that’s what she wanted….but she didn’t. She wanted me to be nice so she could be a bitch and once again make me feel like I don’t matter. It didn’t work. I deserve better. I will have better. It fucking hurts but I see clearly now.

Not my cup of tea….

I thought I needed
Couldn’t breathe without
Weak
Broken
Codependent
Now I see
I need me
I am safe
I am my own safe place
Lies
Chaos
That’s not my cup of tea

GoFundMe account for mom’s final expenses

I’m raising money for my Mom's final expenses. Please give as you feel led. Every $5 counts!! My family would greatly appreciate your help!!!

Click to Donate: http://www.gofundme.com/KimberlyRenee-039 #gofundme

My mom is dead…

After a long battle with cancer, my mother is gone. I stood by her side without sleep for days so that she wouldn’t feel like she was alone. She was so scared she would die alone. But she didn’t. In fact all five of her kids came together for the first time in 12 years to be there while she took her final breath.

And it was horrible. Not like what you see on the movies. She didn’t just breathe in and out. She labored. She made sounds like a duck call. She made faces like she was possessed. It was terrifying. I will never get those images or sounds out of my head.

THIS IS WHAT CANCER DOES